


We Pretended it Could Last Forever

by QueenRisa



Category: Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon | Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon
Genre: Aged Up, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, But secret, Canon, F/M, Jealousy, Mamoru's an over thinker, Mutual Pining, Regained Memories, Usamamo - Freeform, angsty, but not really, exchange fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-13
Updated: 2020-04-15
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:15:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 14,808
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23635915
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QueenRisa/pseuds/QueenRisa
Summary: Years after their battle with Beryl, when Mamoru and Usagi suddenly regain their memories of their past, more complications than solutions seem to arise. Written for Anitgone2 in the UsaMamo Spring Exchange Fic 2k20, hosted by UglyGreenJacket
Relationships: Chiba Mamoru/Tsukino Usagi
Comments: 7
Kudos: 49





	1. Part 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Antigone2](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Antigone2/gifts).



> A/N: And here is my UsaMamo Spring Exchange Fic for the legend, the myth, the fabulous Antigone2! You said you liked Sailor Moon/Tux flirting interactions and AmiXMamoru Brotp and angst is your thing so I tried to make something with all those elements! And I knew you liked Taylor Swift so I was also that anon who asked about your favorite Taylor Swift song/lyrics because I wanted to see if I could make a title out of one! (BTW it is from "Wonderland" and I totally downloaded the song as well because it's actually really good!) Anyway I REALLY hope you like it, I haven't experimented with canon a lot but it was actually fun to write action and sailor moon and tux in action! I hope you like it!
> 
> And also BIGGGG shoutout to UglyGreenJacket for putting this exchange together. THANK YOU! You do so much for the fandom!
> 
> Last shoutout is to FloraOne who gave me soooooo many amazing suggestions, and so many HELPFUL tips that I just don't know how to repay her for. Seriously she's a gem/gift/anything-shiny-and-beautiful in this fandom. Complete and utter rockstar. Thank you Flora again, again!
> 
> Moving on with the show, I hope you readers like it! And Part two will be out soon!! Stay safe everyone!!

**Part I**

"Never thought I'd see you at a real party."

Mamoru lazily raised his stare from his drink to the taunting voice. Long, blonde hair spilled over her shoulder and soft, teasing blue eyes met his.

He smirked. "Well it is the night for resolutions."

Her giggle was half-interrupted when someone shuffled past behind her to reach the fridge and she moved forward - towards him - to let them through.

"You're right it is," she said, rolling her eyes and smiling. Even when the party-goer had retrieved another bottle of champagne and brushed past again to leave, she didn't move back away from him.

He cleared his throat. "Plus, Reika would have bit my head off if I didn't come."

She giggled. "Of course she would have."

He gripped the red plastic cup tighter when she moved even closer and he could smell the rose vanilla from that perfume she only wore for special occasions, and the shimmer across her skin from the spray-on glitter was in so many ways distracting.

"So is that it?"

He blinked. "What?"

"Is that your resolution?" she explained, raising an eyebrow. "You're going to try and be less of a hermit?"

He snorted, letting go of his cup on the counter and straightening to full height. "A hermit?"

She gasped. "I'm sorry was that supposed to be a secret?" she whispered, sarcasm lacing her statement.

He couldn't help the laugh. "Maybe you should pick up some better comebacks this year?"

"Wow," she drawled out, wide-eyed and hands on her hips, her pink satin dress flaring out around her.

"You're right," he smirked, "That's too much to ask of you for only one year."

She gaped at his smirk before it morphed into a toothy grin. "You're a jerk."

He winced at the joke but after years of practicing his mask with her, Mamoru never let the smirk leave his mouth. "At least I'm consistent."

"You're a lot of things," she muttered, rolling her eyes.

He swallowed the thick thump in his throat, staring at her, the party dress with the dainty straps traveling over her shoulders and the headband that was drowning in glitter on the crown of her head and dangerously close to slipping off to the side.

Why he became so concerned about that thing falling and deemed it okay to lean into her space even further to reach a hand up to her hair, he didn't know.

All he knew was that the unreadable look she gave him caused his heart to pulse so much harder and his fingers to shake as his pointer and thumb pinched the gold bubbled numbers standing on the band. He centered it on her head, in between the pinned buns, and retracted his hand way too slowly afterwards.

Her perfume almost seemed to stick to him, because even as he leaned back away from her, the smell of rose vanilla remained strong.

He cleared his throat and looked away. "It was falling, sorry," he said.

Her eyes flashed and a hand shot up to the fixed headband out of reflex. "Oh," she breathed out a little too hard. "Thanks!"

"Of course," he replied, swiping his cup off the counter and taking a sip because he didn't know what to do with his hands.

Her lips parted, about to say something, but it never came out.

"Come on Usagi, it's about to start!" a voice called.

Her eyes lit up at the news and she cheered as she dug her hands into Mamoru's arm. She tugged him so hard his drink almost ended up on his black sweater instead of his mouth. "Oh my god, come on!"

She pushed her way through the rushing crowd with him and eventually he stopped them, reassuring her that he already had a spot picked out for himself.

"Come on, why don't you stay with me and Itsu-"

"I'm fine Odango, don't worry," he cut her off with a laugh. "Go celebrate."

Reluctantly, she let go of him with a playful glare and a huffed 'fine' but she threw up a wink over her shoulder as she scurried off in between people. He turned around at last when he couldn't see her in the sea of bodies anymore.

After gathering his wool jacket and scarf from one of the bedrooms, he perched himself on a bar stool while everyone fluttered around him, interlocking fingers, taking generous chugs from their drink, jumping up and down as the countdown began on the TV.

_20…_

Looking over the tops of heads, he eventually found her near the windows because of the rapid flashing of her camera, twirling around in the most adorable way with the blush tulle under her skirt fanning out around her legs.

_15…_

The voices of everyone grew louder the further the numbers descended and much to his chagrin, he mouthed the numbers along with everyone else.

_10…_

She caught his eye again and she was jumping up and down before a pair of longer, larger arms wrapped around her and she fell against _what's-his-name's_ chest. Mamoru looked down, trying to place himself anywhere but here.

_8..._

A part of his brain broke past his barrier and conjured up the idea of what if….

What if he were to get his ass off this chair, take long strides through the sea of intoxicated co-eds, and reach her on the other side of the room.

_6..._

Her confused, stunned deep eyes would meet his, and his hand would cup her face, her hand would cover his.

_4…_

Then the answer would be in her eyes. Years of him holding onto an unrequited love, only to realize maybe it wasn't as unrequited as it always seemed.

_3…_

He would tip his face to hers, staring into her eyes. Would watch her lids slowly close, a thrill running down his spine as she'd lean closer.

_2…_

His trembling lips would meet her soft, glossed ones and he would know for once in his life where he belonged.

_1…_

The moment the champagne bottles shot open and confetti poppers exploded, Usagi's lips touched her date's taunting image was broken as he hopped down from the stool, jacket sleeves being pulled through his arms while he weaved through the crowded apartment to the sound of wondrous cheers and sparkly pieces of paper falling down on his shoulders.

A blast of cold wind smacked him in the face along with his scarf when he made it to the building exit. Walking down the street, the distant hollars and screams from other parties played in the background of his mind as he jammed his hands further into his pockets.

"Wait, Mamoru!"

Her voice could travel for miles and he still jumped out of his skin hearing her call his name because why was she-

"Hey," he called to her bewildered, but she was already a foot away from him, one hand holding her oversized jacket closed.

"How _dare_ you leave without saying bye," she scolded.

He frowned. "What?"

He yelped when her fist nailed him in the arm. "You didn't say goodbye, you jerk," she repeated. "Why are you leaving this early anyway?"

Opening his mouth, she didn't bother to let him answer.

"You're breaking your resolution!"

He snorted at her scandalized tone. "Well, baby steps then."

The laugh erupted from his throat when she stuck out her tongue at him.

"Come on, you can't let me be a hermit in peace?" he asked, the smirk coming back to his lips naturally.

"Nope," she replied confidently. "Never."

Her cheeks had grown pink and her smiling lips shook with her slight shivers. "You should get back inside to your date," he said, concerned. "It's cold."

She flicked her hand. "Nah, Itsuki knows I went out here."

"Don't want to miss the festivities then," he said.

"I guess," she laughed, voice wavering. "But-but maybe I want to stay here and talk to you."

And just when his heartbeat slowed down to normal, it picked back up after she said that. "I'm not that interesting of a person to talk to, Odango. You know that."

"Oh come on, yes you are!"

"Mamoru Chiba is so bland he teaches the color brown how to be boring," he stated, smirking. "Quote by Usagi Tsukino."

"I was a kid when I said that."

"It was last year," he added. "Also not the best insult."

"Shut up," she hissed, and shivered again.

"Go back inside," Mamoru repeated. "You're freezing."

"No, I'm not."

"Yes, you are."

"No." A shiver once again.

"Usagi."

"Fine," she lamented, rolling her eyes. "But next time you leave a function early, you're not getting off easy!"

"I'm sure," he chuckled, watching as she wrapped the jacket tighter around herself.

"Happy New Year, Mamoru," she said, flashing a smile so warm the cold went away for a second. Her little heels made clicks against the sidewalk when she started half-running, half-walking back to the party.

"Happy New Year," he called back, watching her walk towards the apartment building, finishing much more softly, "Usagi."

* * *

Sometimes he wondered how it would have been if he had told her.

Could it have been easy and smooth, or rather awkward, fumbling for the right words. It could have been done at the arcade counter, their usual seats next to each other when they were younger. Or maybe he would have ran up to her door and knocked until she came and told her then against her lips.

Imagination was the best tool in the world because he could use it to paint the world in 'what ifs', and in every situation he could come up with, it was bright and colorful because she would say yes and always be there in his life and he would be there for her every second.

Like how he could have been waking up next to her, he could have been the person she would drag to festivals, shopping trips, new restaurants - anywhere she wanted. They would have sleepovers, he'd meet her family, be a part of her friends and their group that he had always yearned to be let into. He always imagined the scenarios of his eye rolls at her wonderful antics but laughing with her soon after.

He'd fallen face-first deep into this pit when he first realized how much he loved her. It was after he graduated high school, when he started his college studies and there was no time for the usual Crown trips or the daily dose of a certain Odango. A hole had formed in him, a void that made it seem as if he was missing something each day. Giving in one day, he visited Motoki at work and there she was, walking over to him when she spotted him and they picked up where they left off.

He realized two things that day when he came back home: the void had been filled and that he was in love with Usagi.

Right after that day, he was making his regular trips to Crown again, and he caught her after school as much as he could. He observed her as she hung out with friends, spent summer days enjoying the weather, graduate high school, get that intern position at her favorite Manga publishing company, became the person he knew she would be, and watched in the background as she loved everyone but him.

Over the years, he watched others take the spot instead. A match made by Minako here or a classmate who would ask her out there, and he would go through the misery of watching them from the outside. All he could do was watch, push the dark, vile feelings of wanting to take each guy's place, and focus on the smiles and laughs that she always had because it was Usagi who loved everyone, and it was difficult for anyone to not fall in love with her.

None of them stayed, whether it was a spring fling or Usagi thought they were better off friends or the guy turned out to be a dick, and he had to never seriously worry about any of them.

In the back of his mind though, he knew that time was passing by too quickly and eventually he would have to worry. One day, she might not come back. Then all he would have of her would be memories.

That New Year's party had been their last normal memory together.

It was the last time he could have told her everything. The last time that they weren't tense with each other. It was easier before, when they didn't remember. Before, he thought he never had a chance, and he could have kept thinking that. Would have continued pretending that he wasn't in love with her.

Things could have stayed the same. Without the sudden memories of a whole missing year that should have stayed buried inside their minds forever. It would have stayed normal.

But then those damn energy-sucking aliens happened and everything shattered.

* * *

It had been the most intense, burning sensation he had ever felt in his life, starting at the back of his head all the way to the front of his skull. He doubled over, cradling his pulsing head with the cold sidewalk pressing into his knees.

A rush so strong he lost his breath, and pain so sharp it felt like millions of needles were being injected into his head at once. Each sting spurred awake a different, buried memory.

Transforming for the first time, dreams of a girl telling him to find a special crystal, a failed test being thrown into his face, Usagi's red face every time he teased her, him and Usagi sitting for a painting, rescuing Sailor Moon from a youma, rainbow crystals, the elevator, Usagi transforming into Sailor Moon, dying, an ancient timeline of a life he had never lived….

The memories screamed in his head, each one trying to vie for his attention, and it was all too much at once. Pure, delightful times that he knew he would carry forever in his heart would be sliced through by some sinister, corrupted fog of when he was taken away from her and his life only to be submerged in a darkness that made his brain pound out of his head.

Suddenly, there was real screaming coming a few blocks away, and it snapped him out of it long enough to realize why he was remembering everything.

It was happening again.

It felt like a century since the last time he had done it, but the transformation overtook him like it was second nature, and the flutter across his skin was as comforting as a warm blanket. He was jumping on the rooftops then, and arrived at the attack scene in record time.

People were screaming, scrambling to hide and run while the creature was roping its tentacles around fleeing innocents, draining them of their energy. Jumping into action, he was able to free the ones that had been captured while keeping the thing distracted.

But just as he pried the last person away, one of its limbs slithered around his legs. The air was knocked out of him as he was pulled away and suddenly swung around in mid-air with the city lights twirling in blurs.

His mind was spinning when a brilliant flash of light blinded him and he realized he was free-falling straight to the ground.

He never got there however. Instead when he opened his eyes, the ground was getting further and further away and he was pressed against someone, being carried away before softly let down.

Dazed, his vision remained lost and unstable but as he took in deep breaths, there was something that was lingering in the air that he couldn't….

_Rose vanilla._

Then the hair on his neck raised in a familiar, long forgotten way and he knew.

She was here.

Once those red boots hit the pavement, the monster set its sights on Sailor Moon, shooting its slimy appendages left and right attempting to capture the superhero.

They fell into routine then, like it was old times and one of Beryl's minions instead. He distracted the enemy while she was the one to finish the thing off with a wave of her glowing, gold tiara until the ghastly thing was reduced to nothing but a flimsy card that released a black gas when it struck the ground.

Their heavy, ragged breaths pierced the silence as they stood across from each other, their bodies recovering from their first fight in years. As his brain finally settled, he looked up to see her staring at him, mouth hanging open.

He dropped the transformation, coming back as Mamoru with his jeans and T-shirt.

A ripple happened in the air a second later and her body was bathed in bright pink lights, Usagi emerging seconds later with wet, disbelieving eyes and a flurry of emotions painted on her face.

She remembered, too. The same thing happened to her, the assault of memories of their lost year and lost lifetime together before having to transform. She knew all of it.

Every smile, the pain they both had felt, each moment they shared together that year was flooding her mind as much as it was in his. He could practically see the moments flashing through her eyes. His heart was beating faster and harder, waiting to walk up to her and finally act out that scene from his imagination.

He took those first steps to her and a smile began to form on her lips.

After years of never knowing and suddenly…..

He had loved her for a whole nother year, a whole nother lifetime, and now she knew-

His steps became hesitant. These memories didn't change anything for his feelings because they had always been there, the second he met her (or met her for the first time the second time), but it changed hers.

She never had feelings for him, there was no chance, but now a collection of memories was being slammed into her head. He began to question whether this was right or a mistake because they weren't the same people from the memories, really.

Much more deep-seeded memories crashed through to the front of his mind. Dark, vile feelings that had consumed him and fed on every dark thought he had ever thought to himself.

_Her frightened, pleading eyes staring down at him as he strangled her with one hand and the evil consuming him thrived off of it, and even if he was buried deep down, he still witnessed the sadistic torture he inflicted on her._

_Her screams, the relentless begging for him to come back to her, the fear she held in her gaze towards him._

He stopped.

He didn't run to her, hug her as if for the first time, didn't whisper all the things he had waited years to say. He did nothing but stand there and stare at her suddenly confused eyes.

He had hurt her numerous times as Mamoru, a darkened version of his past self, as Tuxedo Mask, even in their past life, and he would again because they were never meant to be together forever.

And all of a sudden, he was destroying everything.

Saying things to her he didn't mean, his body no longer responded to him because he was backing away from her, his tongue betraying his heart, and he couldn't stop it.

He could recall everything he said because once her face began to fall with her tears, the pounding in his heart overcame his hearing.

But he told her that remembering didn't mean that they had to be together. That 7 years was a long time and they had both moved on and maybe it would be better not to act on such old feelings. They shouldn't be influenced by a tragedy that they themselves were never a part of because what if the memories of their lives as Serenity and Endymion was affecting her? What if that one year of adrenaline-filled battles, losing their lives, too much too fast all coming back at once wasn't the best for decision making.

_Stop, stop, stop, stop,_ and he wanted to slap himself, bang his head against a wall because was this not what he had dreamed of for _years_? Why was he so scared to want this?

He's been in love with her since he was 17, lost year or not, and he would fall in love with her in over 100 different timelines because he could never imagine not loving her.

Because he _had_ to, right?

He wanted her to have a choice in this, not some reincarnated lover's destiny that would be forced on her or a heat of the moment decision. She had a life separate from this, a boyfriend she had been dating for months. And while he would love nothing more than to be with her, it was completely and utterly selfish to make her drop seven years worth of her life because of only one forgotten one.

He went on to tell her exactly that, attempting to explain why she should think about this, that these feelings rushing through her were probably induced and not her own because she had never wanted him before.

Her eyes had remained wide and overwhelmed, staring at him and she was speechless for the first time that he could remember. The tears had dripped off her chin and shaking lip with her little hands pulling down on the sleeves of her larger sweater.

The others had come then, already transformed, and with that, their conversation was dropped quickly. Usagi weakly hugged everyone, a new set of tears making its round as she welcomed her friends and they had even welcomed him back, although a little awkward.

They all came together later at Rei's temple to discuss all the events, figure out their next move with this new enemy, and Usagi had stayed completely silent with a somber expression drawn on her face.

She didn't look at him once, never even attempted to talk to him after the meeting was done. Instead, she left right away once she said goodbye to everyone but him.

It wasn't until late into the night when she did finally say something.

He had been sitting in the dark of his apartment, trying to process everything that had unfolded and revealed when the hesitant knocks echoed.

"Usagi-"

"You're right," she cut in when he opened the door, raising her red-rimmed eyes to meet his gaze. "We shouldn't have to be together because of some old memories."

And it crashed into him. "Right," he croaked out quietly.

"We never really were close," she added, voice hoarse. "I don't want to force you to hang out with me."

' _You're not.'_ "Right," he whispered.

She licked her lips, centering her wide eyes at his chest. "I'll just go now. Uh, goodnight."

And she left, entering the elevator down the hallway, and he was left standing with the door open, realizing it really was never going to happen. That he had screwed himself into messing up his one chance because he couldn't be selfish, not with her.

It was barely a week later when she broke up with her boyfriend, he had learned from Ami when they had studied together a month later. He wanted to believe that it was because of him but nothing happened, and it was another month before Mako set her up with a guy from her catering company.

She only talked to him if it was senshi related, always business, and he wished so much that they could go back to normal. When he used to be able to talk to her, make her smile not make her eyes turn sad.

He knew it was his fault but he rather be stuck in this suffering than force her to be with someone she didn't love.

* * *

Ali and Ann and their hellish tree were gone faster than they had come, but barely any time had passed before the next enemy disrupted their lives again. It had started the same as other times with monster attacks, but this time they were after pure crystal hearts. Then two new senshi came into town and everything had spiraled into their hardest fight to date.

The final battle had been bleak with Pharaoh 90 flooding the city in his darkness and she had done what she had always done when the world she loved was in danger. He would never forget the small smile she gave him before she let herself be engulfed by the purple-black mass, and how he fell apart along with the city around him.

And he would never forget the sheer soul-reviving relief when she came back, and came back stronger than ever, and saved the world from destruction as Saturn cast out all of Pharaoh 90 along with herself.

After she had cleansed the city with the crystal, he was one of the first people to reach her, eyes shining and heart pounding at the sight of her alive and beaming as that light of hope he had always seen her as.

But because he was awkward and broken, he stood a little back.

His voice croaked when he told her she did great and that he was proud.

The girls had arrived later, hugging her and gushing, but her soft eyes kept looking to him in a way he had never seen before and couldn't quite explain.

Not long after their next enemy made their presence known at the solar eclipse, she had warmed to him, began talking to him without being prompted to, smiling at him (small ones but they were still there) and he gladly accepted everything she was willingly to allow. It was like before, and he nearly cried because they were somewhat friends again. Not all the way there exactly like before, but a nice halfway point and he never took it for granted.

* * *

"Just water," he ordered, the young waiter nodding and running off.

Scanning the menu mindlessly, he couldn't help but think about what kind of date Motoki had deemed his perfect match. This wasn't Mamoru's first matchmaking date from his friend and it would be far from the last one.

Having a clear path to the hostess table at the front, he watched over the top of his menu, observing the people coming in. Some more couples, some friends out on the town passed through, before a woman came in and he caught the host pointing to him.

He stilled as she came closer, and in his head, he already became determined to kill Motoki after this was over.

"Hi, you're Chiba Mamoru right?" she asked brightly when she reached him, pushing a strand of _blonde_ hair behind her ear.

It was completely the wrong shade and wasn't styled anywhere near the same way - _obviously_ \- but his gut still knotted and twisted.

"Uh yes," he cleared his throat. "You must be Aoi?"

"Yes! It's so good to finally meet you," she said. "Motoki has said so much about you."

"I bet," he croaked, as she took her seat across from him.

It was polite conversation afterwards involving their careers, opinions on the venue and the menu, mutual Motoki stories, and for a minute Mamoru found himself enjoying the time he was having, even, dare he say, relaxing.

They were in the middle of their appreziter when he nearly jumped out of his skin as his wrist started vibrating. He flicked his communicator open under the table to see the distress signal being transmitted.

An attack and it was close.

Short on time to fashion a believable excuse, Mamoru could only work with what he had. He still cried out as his glass of ice, cold water "accidentally" tipped over and drenched his lap.

"I'll just be a minute," he excused himself from the table as she looked concerned.

Taking a right instead of a left, he thrust the front door open and ran down an empty alleyway, coming out the other end as Tuxedo Mask and jumping to the closest rooftop.

* * *

Noticing the direction that people were fleeing from, he pinpointed the attack to Shibuya Scramble Square. It was Sailor Venus and Sailor Mercury handling the monster while Sailor Moon was rallying everyone away from the danger on the observation deck.

With this particular new enemy, they had a circus theme flare with their minions. And this particular one was a twisted version of a contortionist, bending and coiling its body in strange shapes as it flung itself in the air, trying to trap one of them.

Dropping down from a ledge, he shot out arrays of roses at it, the sharp stems piercing the yellow, chalky skin underneath the fabric. The creature screamed, saying something along the lines of him ruining their favorite leotard.

Mamoru's eyes widened under his white mask when he saw the monster's eyes land on Sailor Moon carrying a small child to the exit.

"Venus!"

The senshi caught on and flung her chain around the contortionist's legs but the thing slipped out of it and tapazed itself over to the exit, blocking Moon from leaving. He sprinted at full speed to reach her. Later he would go over it again and again in his head, trying to figure out if he could have run faster, could have distracted the thing before it had seen her.

He cried out when her body flew through the glass wall, and she skidded along the shattered glass, cocooning the child in her arms with her body. He ran to her side, his eyes moving immediately to the long, bleeding cut on her leg as Mercury took the little kid to safety and Venus dealt with the monster judging by the screams that were behind him.

Even though she said she was perfectly fine, he wouldn't let her go, sporting a cut as deep as that one.

So, they ended up at a half finished construction site after the fight, sitting at the edge with his mask, hat, and white gloves resting by his side as he critically examined the open wound on her leg, starting at her thigh down to her knee.

Her eyes looked down to the street below them instead of his eyes and she wiped at the tears that dared to escape her eyelids.

"You were amazing, by the way," he said, running his fingers down her calf, studying the cut's path as the golden haze from his palm continued to mend it together.

This healing ability he had long known of but had recently just discovered how to project it to other people was helpful and made him feel like he had some kind of place as the healer.

Her snort sounded defeated. "I tripped when I first got there and I face planted in front of everyone. That's why I was just doing crowd control, because I was useless."

Although he never paused in his healing, Mamoru nearly lost concentration as he just stared at her dumbfounded. "You are and will never be useless."

She stayed silent and kept away from his confident gaze.

He continued. "You're the one who protects everyone, you're who everyone counts on-"

"And I let everyone down."

"No, you do not," he barked, frowning.

She shook her head a little. "I just think I'm not the hero everyone thinks I am."

' _No, you're better.'_ "You are a hero."

"I don't know about that," she said, small and quiet.

The irritation and rage flared in his chest so much because he knew just how strong she was, how impossibly bright and good she was in a world that snuffs out such things - being in the line of work that preys on people like her. "Why do you think that?"

She shrugged, keeping her eyes down. "Because I never know what to do. I always have to have you or one of the girls with me so I don't mess things up. And I still mess things up."

His chest tightened as the last of her skin mended together, leaving it smooth. Swallowing, he wrapped his fingers above her ankle, his thumb rubbing circles into the skin that was still red. "You don't mess things up."

Her voice wavered and he saw how her eyes had darted to his hand on her leg. "Are you not there, like, at every single fight? Sometimes I get lucky but….I feel like I would be nowhere without you - all of you."

"Usagi."

"That little girl could have gotten hurt because I wasn't thinking."

He sighed, frustrated. "She's safe because of you."

One of her hands clutched onto her skirt. "I just think, I'm not cut out to be a hero."

The frustration in him nearly boiled over since he shouldn't have to be telling her this. Should know already how amazing and incredibly perfect she was. But he knew it wouldn't get them anywhere and his time was running out with the injury nearly healed.

So he went the best route that would get a smile.

"That's not what Hinata says," he remarked causally.

She whipped her head around with large, panicked eyes. "Who's Hinata?"

Confused, he raised his eyebrows. "This little girl at the hospital. She broke her leg when she was riding her bike and has been in for awhile."

"Oh," she uttered, calmed down but curious. "What did she say?"

He swung his one leg off the ledge, letting it tangle with his other one as he kept his grip. "Well, she says that she's the biggest Sailor Moon fan of all time and that no one can beat her because she's the strongest hero ever."

"Really?" she asked, eyebrows drawn together.

"Yup," he confirmed. "She has this Sailor Moon doll she always keeps with her and this Sailor Moon blanket she sleeps with."

"She thinks you're a hero," he added. "And there's a whole city that believes in you. The girls believe in you - I believe in you."

He retracted his hand from her leg as the last of the redness disappeared and looked at her. "And that's what a hero is, someone to believe in."

She didn't say anything for a while and he got worried that maybe it didn't help and he should just stick to those floral haikus he used to do for pep talks. It hurt him more than anything to hear that she didn't see herself as the savior she was.

And although she was the strongest person he knew, she was also the most selfless and it terrified him to the core everyday that an attack happened that she would willingly risk her life to save one of them or the whole world because that was Usagi. She would never risk anyone's life except hers.

She eventually did look at him, a warm smile curling along her lips. "Thank you."

"For what?"

"For making up that kid fan story to try and cheer me up," she replied.

His mouth hung open in disbelief. "I take deep offense that you think that I would lie but also can not either confirm or deny that allegation."

She giggled. "I knew it."

His heart flipped as she knocked her shoulder against his.

"And you're a hero too."

He shrugged. "I don't know about that."

"Mamoru," she deadpanned.

"Well, I'll call you up if I ever save the world more than once."

"Wow," she drawed out in that unique, hilarious way.

And then they were laughing and that was it! That was old times like he remembered them, with jokes, and laughs, and her smiling because of him.

But that mechanism that destroyed everything wonderful in his life started up in his brain as he spotted a couple on the sidewalk holding hands and he just had to bring it up.

"So, how's your boyfriend?" he asked, staring even harder at the street below them.

She sighed. "He's fine. I actually had to lie to him to get here."

"Oh."

She nodded. "Yea, we were on a date down the street at this new restaurant I was really excited to try."

"I'm sorry."

"Just a negative with all of this I guess."

"You haven't told him yet," he stated rather than asked.

She shrugged. "It's not something you can really just _say_."

She swung her legs back and forth off the edge. "Like 'Hey have you watched the news lately? You know the pretty guardian dressed in a sailor suit named Sailor Moon? Yea, that's me!'"

He blew out air in a half-laugh. "It doesn't really roll off the tongue."

"Tell me about it," she said. "It's like I'm only showing him one part of me and the other part just never gets the spotlight."

' _I know both.'_ "I get it."

"And it's just hard because everytime I have to lie I feel like I'm betraying him by not telling him the truth but-"

She squeezed her eyes shut. "Do you think he would even want me?"

"He would be an idiot if he didn't," he muttered, and he heard her tiny gasp. He whipped his eyes to hers and found them wide and surprised, and he stumbled over his words to make amends. "I just mean that you being you shouldn't change his feelings about you."

"Right," she croaked out.

"Um, I have to get going-" Of course, he started panicking and stood up, cape flapping in the air as he transformed back in front of her.

"Where did you come from dressed like that?" she teased, eyeing his suit. "Had some big, fancy doctor party?"

"No," he said, stuffing his hands into his pants pockets. "I was on a date."

Her smile immediately faltered just that little bit but her eyes were completely different - they were harder and somewhat taken back, alarmed. It made his heart flutter.

"Oh." she said, twisting her body around to face the city again. "I didn't know you….that you had someone."

He arched his eyebrow. "Not really."

"Well is it serious?"

He blinked. "I don't know, it's just the first date," he answered quietly as she turned her head half away.

Her mouth popped open and she nodded, her grip on her short, blue skirt loosening. "Oh."

"Yea."

She quickly got up, dusting off the imaginary dust from her fuku and she threw him a quick smile. "You better get back to your date then."

"I guess," he said quietly, watching her bound to the next roof.

* * *

The balloon blew out of his hands and shot around him deflating in the air, before landing on his shoe with a defeated, final wheeze.

Ami laughed. "You don't do this often, Mamoru?"

"Surprisingly, party planning is not one of my fortes," he sighed, laughing with her when another one of his balloons untied and repeated the performance of the last one. "And neither is blowing up balloons, apparently."

Snapping her fingers, Minako strutted over to them. "Guys what are you doing? We need these balloons by the dozens and I don't want to see slacking off!"

"Minako, it already looks amazing here," Ami said.

Looking around the transformed Fruit Parlor, Mamoru would say Minako had that certain touch in bringing a whole birthday party together. A hot pink banner hung over the entrance, four tables of food lined the back wall and counter, the booths were adorned with matching pink table sheets and glitter, stuffed bunnies served as paperweights on surfaces and a photobooth was tucked into the corner, filled with paper cutouts of fake bunny ears as photo props.

It was truly a Usagi Tsukino party in a nutshell.

"Not yet it doesn't," she defended. "We still need to rearrange the photo booth area, Mako is late with the cake, and Rei is freaking out because she can't keep stalling Usagi!"

"Minako-"

"Excuse me, I'm going to go and scream into my bag."

Ami and Mamoru barely kept in their laughs as the senshi of love walked away, massaging her temples.

"What did you get Usagi as a present?" he asked, successfully tying off a balloon.

"This manga collection she really likes and has been dying to have for months," Ami answered, fingers carefully tying up her own balloon. "You?"

"I got her uh," he paused, frowning. "I got her a gift card to her favorite ice cream place."

She smiled. "That's a nice gift. It shows you know her."

"Ami, it's a gift card," he said. "That's a gift you get for your second cousin or a co-worker."

"It's still a gift," she defended.

"An impersonal one," he countered, losing yet another balloon. "It's not even the one I wanted to give her."

Ami took a new balloon from the pile between them. "What did you want to give her?"

He knew exactly what he wanted to give her. The ring with the pink heart and the little diamonds he had seen at that jewelry store display last winter. It would have been perfect and it was totally Usagi, but his guess was that it probably wouldn't have gone over well with her boyfriend.

He sighed, letting yet another failed balloon slip from his hold. "Uh nothing, really. Doesn't matter."

She nodded, but he could feel her skeptical, analyzing gaze. "Mamoru, can I ask you something?"

He flung the flat balloon to the floor and looked up, feeling more deflated than his balloons.

She seemed to falter for a second, closing her mouth and thought. She frowned and somehow he was certain that she didn't end up saying what she'd been meaning to say. "Uh, do you want a quick lesson for the balloons?"

He looked to her army of perfect balloons sitting behind her. "Definitely."

* * *

It came out of nowhere.

Kids had been flying kites on the grass and couples were strolling through the park and unusually, Mamoru was one of those couples with Aoi - except not really.

She was kind and smart and they shared similar interests. So when she had asked him for a second date - or if it was more comfortable for him, a friendly hangout - he thought it couldn't hurt to at least have one friend outside of his superhero alter-ego life.

And so this second date really wasn't supposed to be romantic in any sense, but walking through the park seemed pleasant on this kind of day.

But that serene, peaceful setting around them lasted up until that remless crashed through.

Balancing on a rubber ball, the demented circus performer started shooting out large, plastic spheres at escaping citizens, capturing a few within the balloon like prisoners. And apparently they had a fondness for knives.

His mind was searching for an out to go transform, but Aoi had latched onto his arm and was attempting to bring them both to safety. They managed to, though, because one of the remless's balloons bounced off of them and Mamoru was able to take the impact of the fall instead of Aoi.

To his horror as he looked up, the thing began rolling to them at top speed and there was no time to move and get out of the path. But he didn't have to think because then a red boot came flying through and kicked the large ball right from underneath.

Standing tall and proud as the remless shook their head clear, there she was saving him again, and he could never tire from it.

"How dare you disrupt a beautiful day at the park for couples and families," she began. "You should be asham-"

Suddenly, her eyes caught his and then moved over to Aoi, who was still in his arms, regaining herself. All the confidence drained from her face, her posture slumped, and a look that looked eerily like sorrow entered her eyes as she stared at him, frozen and unfocused.

He yelled at Aoi to run and not look back and even as she escaped reluctantly, Usagi still looked at him with an almost broken look.

And he should have been focused on the remless because before he could even process it, a balloon had been shot off and the next second, she was trapped within the rubber. The color changed to a light blue and as she clawed and pulled at the material, he saw her begin to cough and then she held her neck and-

He sprinted at her, tried to reach her as he realized what was happening. Suddenly, a set of knives flew at him and he was pinned to the ground, pulling fruitlessly at the fabric of his jacket to run to her.

He was watching her die as the air slowly ran out and she fell to her knees coughing harder, wheezing, desperately trying to take air that was no longer there. She was suffocating, _dying_.

_No, no, no, no_ \- where were the senshi, where was anyone to help her, why was there no one helping her?!

He screamed her name until his voice no longer worked, begged for the remless to stop, because it needed to stop. She _couldn't_ die, she _wasn't_ going to die because she _can't_.

Her body collapsed onto the ground and she stopped moving-and _no, no, no, no, no, NO._

The fabric ripped apart under his arms as he pulled free from the knives, yanking out one of them and ran to her.

He plunged the knife into the balloon and kept stabbing, over and over again until it deflated completely and air was coming in, before he began using his hands instead and ripped the bubble to shreds until his fingers were finally able to touch her again.

She wasn't breathing.

He yanked at her, tilted her chin up, and was ready to give her mouth to mouth when her eyes flipped open and she took big gulps of air, his mouth only mere centimeters above hers as she began breathing again, staring up at him.

He cried out in relief, held her like she was the most precious thing in his world because she was.

It was right there while holding her in his arms that he knew he almost lost her forever. He couldn't even save her, protect her when it mattered and….

He didn't let go of her until the girls came.

* * *

Nelehenia and her Dead Moon Circus were flushed out soon after, another enemy down and he began his distance with Usagi all over again.

After them came their biggest threat and so did Mamoru's.

Sailor Galaxia and Seiya Kou.

And as they defeated each of Galaxia's own senshi, Mamoru found himself fighting his own personal battles.

When the Three Lights had first enrolled in their school, he didn't think much of it. The girls befriended them with ease, especially Usagi, which came as no surprise. But it was during that time that he had never felt more alone.

It was always them and Seiya, every story he heard was about this or that with the three lights, and what slowly killed him inside was that he was never there in those stories. He was never involved, never mentioned because he was never invited.

And Seiya effortlessly integrated himself into the group because he was just that person who was sociable, smooth, funny, and everything that Mamoru had ever lacked. He realized that Seiya was the kind of person she should be with. Someone fun, adventurous, and she should choose him because why wouldn't she? He was the best person she could be with and he needed to accept that, he needed to be happy because it was finally her _own choice_.

And yet it hurt worse because he would never be a choice for her.

He had never worried so much about her relationships before because they never knew all of Usagi and he always did. That had been the one thing he got to keep. Tuxedo Mask was Sailor Moon's partner and he guarded that position fiercely because it was important and it was all he had left.

But even that was taken away from him when the Three Lights were the Starlights. Seiya knew her completely then.

And yet, even though he had confessed his feelings to her, Usagi had decided to remain friends with him after everything was done.

The relief that had flooded him was wrong, but he couldn't change it. And if Seiya had taught him anything, it was that Usagi could and would find her someone, and that it would never be him.

It was a year and a half later of peace and freedom from ancient destined duties that he began to consider making changes like everyone else had.

In times of peace, he no longer had any place within their group. While they had relied on Tuxedo Mask in battle, there was no real place for Mamoru Chiba among them. The only person who he truly interacted with outside of senshi business was Ami and she had mentioned accepting a short-term position at a medical program in Germany.

So, he looked into new positions within Japan before one of his old professors sent him an application for a program study. It was far away and prestigious, but in the email, he explained that he thought Mamoru would fit right in and do amazing work. And it could be a temporary or permanent position.

Staring at his printed copy, he began slowly filling in the spaces with a tight grip around his pen.

He always imagined the day when forever would end and he couldn't see her again. It was just that he had never imagined that it would be him who caused it.

He missed the days when all he had to deal with was pining from afar because it was normal and safe, not complicated and twisted with a timeline he never lived through. He missed when he could stay close to her, always balancing the thin line of keeping his wits around her, and never having to be on edge every single day that it could be the day she didn't come out of the battle.

He missed pretending that maybe he still had a chance.


	2. Part II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Years after their battle with Beryl, when Mamoru and Usagi suddenly regain their memories of their past, more complications than solutions seem to arise. Written for Anitgone2 in the UsaMamo Spring Exchange Fic 2k20, hosted by UglyGreenJacket

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Here is the second part of my exchange fic for Antigone2! I was so happy to see you guys liked the last part and thank you for the faves, follows, and reviews! I hope you like part 2 just as much!
> 
> And I hope you like it Antigone2! You're such an AMAZING writer and it was a blast writing something for you! Thank you to UglyGreenJacket again for hosting this incredible exchange for the fandom! And of course, big thank you to FloraOne for her tremendous help on this fic. Like I said last time, this girl is a R-O-C-K-S-T-A-R.
> 
> Anyway, I can gush about these wonderful people all day but I know you guys just want to get to the writing so behold Part 2/Epilogue!

**Part II**

" _I reach for you_

_But you were gone_

_I knew I had to go back home_

_You searched the world for something else_

_To make you feel like what we had_

_And in the end in wonderland we both went mad"_

* * *

She had cried for two weeks after their memories came back. Two weeks to shift through a span of memories and two weeks to accept that the boy she had loved since middle school would never love her, even with a whole lifetime crammed into his head.

He told her that they should have a choice, that memories shouldn't dictate their emotions and actions in the present and she wanted to scream that they didn't, but she had gone so cold and numb at what he was saying.

He didn't want her.

And even if it would cause her all the pain in the world, she had to accept it. She felt like going crazy, insane even, when she braced herself to knock on his door to reassure him that he was right. She might hate it, she might die from it, but who was she to force his feelings over a life of long dead memories? It was the right thing to do, and if he didn't want her on this basis, they shouldn't be together.

On the elevator ride down, she'd broken down and would not stop crying. Now she had her answer to the question she had never dared to ask.

She kept crying at home, in the shower, in her bed, because a new memory would flood back into her brain like a picture show, and she just could not stop thinking about him.

He was Mamoru. The cool, stoic upperclassman that had teased her forever and she had to force herself to hate him sometimes. Because he was sweet, funny, and snarky even with his obnoxious eye rolls, and she could never get enough of it. And god, when he _smiled,_ Usagi had honestly never seen anything more beautiful.

Even before this painful memory-mess, she had fallen hard and kept falling. Even more when he started college and she didn't see him for three weeks, never realizing how much she missed him until he finally walked in. She spent weeks after that denying what her heart was screaming at her, that he was an obnoxious, spiteful jerk.

Then one day at the Crown, having slipped and fallen with a milkshake in hand, and she had half-expected him to be the first one to crack a joke, but in reality, he had been the first one to offer his hand and to help her get cleaned up in the back. She'd sniffled, watching him grab damp cloths and rolls of paper towels, helping her gently clean off her favorite drink from her face and why was it _that_ day she realized?

Why was it that stupid moment she realized?

Because he had actually been nice to her for once? Was it because of those soft eyes he held that day, or the gentle touch he used to clean her face. Why was it that at one of her most embarrassing, stupid moments that it hit her how in love she was with this stupid, perfect, infuriating human being.

Afterwards, she had tried relentlessly to be near him, to be close. She'd hoped that maybe one day he might actually see her and want her. It was ridiculous how much she tried to prove to him that she could be better, that she could be someone for him.

When she graduated, she had practically hit him over the head with her diploma to show it off. And when she'd scored her manga intern job, she had flaunted it right in front of him countless times just so he would know that, ' _hey, she's not a screw up!'_.

It was so idiotic and she cringed at her antics later, realizing it was childish and stupid that she was doing this much for a guy who in the end would never date her no matter how much she tried to change or grow up.

And after years of waiting, she finally had a chance and he had squashed it so fast it had made her head spin. A whole extra year they didn't know about and alter egos with past selves and in the end, none of those things mattered.

If even a shared love in a tragic past life wasn't enough to make him fall for her, what chance did she ever have?

Obviously, she'd broken up with Itsuki right after it had all come back. It wasn't fair to be with someone when you knew your heart was someone else's, when you suddenly compared them to someone they could never live up to. And yet, two months later she broke that resolve anyway. In the hopes of someday getting over the prince that didn't want her, she agreed to go out with Mako's coworker. Maybe, just maybe she would find someone who at least could make her forget. Maybe she could find what she once had and it would make it all better.

It was so pathetic and every bone in her body ached when she saw him and it never stopped. And so, instead she pretended to hate him, avoided him, spoke with him only if it was senshi stuff, because she had convinced herself that the less she saw of him, the faster she could forget about him. It was, of course, a false hope since she ended up thinking about him more, missed him more intensely than before.

All it did was make everything even more tense and awkward between them.

And she had dated to help herself out of the hole she had dug herself, letting her friends set her up with whoever they deemed good for her, desperately trying to have a life without the love of her life.

Mamoru had never been a social butterfly or all that outgoing, so she never had to concern herself with his dating life all that much, but she still had her moments through the years.

Like every time she got so ridiculously jealous at Ami when she hung out with him. It drove her up the walls and she _knew_ they were discussing freaking medical journals and probably examining photos of open heart surgery, but it still caused such an ugly sensation to brew in her heart and she _hated_ it.

Then there was that one girl that got caught up in a remless attack. It was the first girl she had ever seen him with, the first _girlfriend_. And when she had first seen them together at the park and the way Mamoru had cradled her in his arms, trying to cover her, she froze with the envy burning in her chest in the most ridiculous manner, and at the worst time, too. All the fight had drained from her body at the sight of them, and she became furious with herself for it because she got distracted. It caused her to get captured and wake up to his breath against her lips and panicked eyes wet with tears staring into hers.

Afterwards, she had started to practically stalk this mystery girl for a week. Badgering Motoki got her the information she needed and she was appalled to hear that it was Motoki who had set them up in the first place. In her right mind, she knew that he could date, after all she had dated, too, but it was the fact that he decided to be someone else's boyfriend that made her see red. She just had to know who this person was.

The girl even looked a little bit like her.

Normal, straight, blonde hair, but she had an air of elegance and beauty that Usagi could only dream about but never obtain. It's like she was the before picture and this Aoi girl was the after one.

It did puzzle her though that she never saw them go out on another date again, but she wasn't complaining about it one bit.

Then there was Seiya, the first person in a long time that had truly affected her. In the same way Mamoru's girlfriend had looked a bit like her, Seiya looked just a bit like Mamoru. He had been the first person to really give her hope again. Even if it didn't work out, maybe she could still move on if her heart really could beat fast for someone else.

Eventually he left, but not before promising that he would visit.

And then it was all over. All their duties had been fulfilled as guardians of the planet and they were free to live without looking over their shoulder and expecting the next threat.

The moment when peace had finally settled was when everything slowly began to unravel for her.

A weight had been lifted off everyone's shoulders, and with that, one by one, they found themselves finding their own lives away from hers which she supported even if it was taking a toll on her.

Haruka, Michiru, Setsuna, and Hotaru visited here and there on occasion, Ami had decided to travel to Germany for her medical program but promised that she would return, Mako and Rei kept busy with their own schedules and duties. So, Usagi decided to fall into a routine with Minako and moved in with her.

She hardly saw Mamoru anymore since there was no reason why he would willingly hang around her now. And suddenly she never thought she would miss having their senshi meetings so much.

Really, she should have been happy. Her life was normal again with a loving boyfriend, a good job she enjoyed, nice apartment, and friends she adored.

But, somehow, she had never felt more out of place.

* * *

"You get my point?"

"Get what point?"

"That we totally need to move apartments," Minako explained, shoving a mouth full of ice cream into her mouth.

Usagi raised her eyebrows. Usually Minako's wasn't _this_ rash, and plus she really didn't feel like leaving that nice apartment. "Because this old flame of yours lives 3 floors down from us?"

"Yes, god," Minako mumbled, licking off the spoon. "Everytime I go into the elevator or get the mail, I have this horrible feeling that he's going to be there."

"But why is it so bad if you do run into him?" she asked, slipping her mouth around her straw.

The spoon popped out of Minako's mouth. "Because he's my person, you know."

"Your person?" Usagi repeated slowly.

"You know, _that_ person."

"What person?"

Minako frowned. "You really don't know?"

"I guess not?"

Popping in another spoonful of the milky, frosted treat in her mouth, her friend explained, "That person, the person you can never get off your mind or the one that always pops into your mind once in a while because you really never got over them."

Oh. She definitely knew that feeling. She was way too familiar with it, in fact. "Oh, _that_ person."

"Yea," Minako huffed. "Daisuke Suzuki is mine."

"Wow," Usagi said.

"Just the slightest thing could remind me of him and it's like I'm falling in love with him all over again," Minako continued.

Sometimes, she could be doing nothing and randomly, a memory would pop up. It could be one from their erased year, something as simple as a time when she cracked a joke and he smiled or laughed, and it twisted her heart. Or it could be a recollection from the Silver Millennium with Serenity and Endymion sneaking out during the night, and those just made her cry.

"Or when you see them, and you think you're over them but then your heart starts beating like you've run a marathon."

Mamoru always made her feel like her chest was gonna burst, but at the same time, she felt a tranquility within her, like she was where she needed to be.

"Or you still feel the ghost of their lips on your lips and skin."

She could only hold onto their first kiss as Mamoru and Usagi from the D-ball. It was the times of Serenity and Endymion that she conjured up late at night when she longed for him to have a place on her skin, in her room, her apartment, her life. The times that she could imagine Endymion's touches were Mamoru's instead and those same royal blue eyes would peek through the black fringe.

Sometimes, she created her own memories within reality, some as simple as seeing him at Crown would instead turn into him leading her into that back hallway and kissing her senseless, touching her body, and worshipping her. And after one of those night sessions, she'd cry and berate herself for willingly subjecting herself to that kind of torture, because it was always only her imagination.

"Come on Usagi," Minako whined, as their waiter dropped off another round of milkshakes. "Don't you have that one person, that one crush, that one inexpicable feeling you get when you're with that one person?"

She swallowed down her answer. "I don't know," she lied, her voice scratchy.

"If there's anyone who has one, it would be you," her friend countered, pointing. "You're the most loving person I know."

"Right," she whispered, thinking too hard and trying to force out all the reminders that she wasn't with who she wanted. "I guess I don't."

"Liar," Minako accused. "Everyone has that kind of past relationship or ex-lover."

Minako was wrong. She didn't have that person because the one that she did have was never her anything ever.

* * *

The street lights buzzed above her along the street. At 2 a.m., she had never seen such a silence along the roads of her city.

It was weird being out here and it was even more ridiculous as to why she was doing this in the first place. There was no way to know for sure that he continued to do patrols this late into the night anymore, so it was a long-shot really.

Even though all their loose ends had been taken care of within months after their battle with Galaxia, Mamoru was still the only one that insisted in continuing his overly frequent patrols around the city, arguing that there were plenty of human monsters out on the streets.

Wednesdays and Fridays, 10 p.m. to 3:30 a.m. and he had done it like clockwork, never missing a single shift.

She pulled her white cardigan tighter around her body as a chilly breeze blew through. _God_ , why was she putting herself through this, why was she really here trying this hard to have a second with him.

' _You have a fucking boyfriend that loves you and you're standing out in the middle of the night to see a guy who has no interest in you.'_

Yup, she was an idiot. An addict that needed her fix before she went into withdrawal. Willing to walk around for an hour in the cold, darkened streets of Tokyo because…...

Because she missed Mamoru.

"What the hell are you doing?"

She jumped up with a yelp, spinning around to face him but instead saw nothing, just empty, silent air. ' _What the fu-'_

And there he was, standing on a freaking light post above her, black and red cape fluttering around him, eyes framed by that white mask, that suit that fit him like a glove because _yes_ she'll admit that she had unabashedly checked him out over the years.

"Oh, hey," she called out casually, watching as he leaped down in that perfect way with bent knees and pointed feet that she could never master no matter how many times they practiced.

He stood a few feet from her and narrowed his eyes at her. "What are you doing here?"

"Out for some fresh air?"

"Usagi."

She sighed. "I needed to think and a walk sounded perfect."

He threw her a withering look. "At 2 a.m.?"

"Ever heard of night owls?"

"Really?"

She shrugged. "Well you're out right now."

"Yes, but that's because of-"

"-your patrols, I know, I know," she cut him off.

"But there's gotta be another reason why because patrols for one year and a half?" she questioned, eyebrows raised. "Really Mamoru?"

He sighed, changing subjects. "You need to go home. It's late and you need to go to sleep."

"Fine," she lamented, keeping her voice bored. "My building is just like a few miles away."

She spun around and started walking in the direction of her apartment, taking small, slow steps as she waited for the reaction. Well, the reaction she hoped for.

"Wait."

_Ohhhh, mission accomplished._

"Yea," she said, turning back around, only to fall back one step when suddenly he was right in front of her and she could see his hardened, frustrated eyes.

"Let-can I-do you…."

She bit her lip to keep from smiling because it was so adorable seeing him struggle to say it. "Yea?"

"I-I can take you home," he stuttered, clearing his throat. "If you would rather?"

' _YES.'_ "Sure."

His hand had slid up on her back, underneath her cardigan and behind her knees, his white gloves against her silk top and jeans. Her head fell against the crook of his shoulder as she encircled her arms around his neck and like some creepy, disgusting stalker, she took a few deep breaths in, smelling him. It broke her heart how much he felt and smelled like home.

The air rushed around them as he hopped from roof to roof, the medallion around his collar moving up and down in the air with his movements. Sometimes, he took a route through a few alleyways when there wasn't a clear path in the sky, and she prayed that maybe he would take the long way there so she could have just a little more time with him, feel his arms holding her, heartbeat pulsing through his neck against her wrist.

This moment was straight from her dreams, bounding through the sky in his arms like she was weightless in the air with the views of quiet, lit up Tokyo surrounding them. Her streams of hair floated around in the wind and she giggled as some of the locks would smack him against the face.

Tightening her arms around him, she squeezed her eyes shut when a familiar building flew past.

It was too fast! How were they already so near? She had purposely taken the furthest roads from her building to maximize this time and it still felt like it was five minutes ago when he had first picked her up.

It wasn't long after when his legs hit the floor of her balcony and she shot a look to her wrist watch as he landed. They had been soaring on the roofs of neighborhoods for 45 minutes?

An eternity could pass by and it would feel like an hour with him.

Slowly (a little too slowly, much to Usagi's delight) he lowered her feet to the ground and his gloved hands lingered a few extra seconds on her back as she stabilized herself. He stayed close, hands outstretched, probably scared she'll klutz out and go over the railing.

"Are you okay?" he asked, looking her over.

She breathed out a laugh at his worrying. "Yes, I'm fine."

He nodded, taking a step back but she took one forward the same time.

"Thank you," she whispered, taking that final leap of bravery she had been building and saving for days. She hopped onto her toes, leaning towards him, and observed how his eyes became wider and darker at her evasion of personal space.

Her lips just so grazed the corner of his mouth as she placed an innocent kiss on his cheek. She probably lingered a little too long, but eventually she hopped back down on her heels and moved away.

He breathed out a little too hard and his face remained flushed from the harsh wind that had hit him on their journey. "You're welcome," he pressed out, and his Adam's apple bobbed.

Then his face twisted into a confused look as he turned halfway to the railing.

"Rose vanilla..." he mumbled.

She frowned. "What?"

His eyes flew to hers, panicked and blinking fast behind the mask. "Uh, nothing. It's just your-your perfume."

It was her favorite after her grandmother gifted her the first bottle for her 16th birthday and she had only dusted some on herself tonight as a good luck trick, just in case. "What about it?"

"It's just-" His eyes looked to hers and he seemed to fight with himself, seemingly dismissing something before finishing. "It just smells really good."

"Thanks," she said, feeling pathetic at the way her heart jumped, because at least she smelled good and it was a compliment, right?

She spun on her heel, unlocking the balcony door and sliding it open.

"Usagi."

Her head turned to see him sitting on the ledge, readying to jump. "Yea?"

He sighed like he had just lost a battle. "I still do the patrols because it clears my head. Gives me a chance to do something else and keep my mind off of things."

Her eyebrows furrowed. "What things? You don't seem like someone who has a lot on their mind."

"You'd be surprised," he breathed out quietly. "Goodnight, Usagi."

And he flung himself off, cape trailing off her balcony before she could say the same thing back.

* * *

"Are you okay?"

Usagi blinked, the busy venue and Eiichi's concerned face swimming into her view. "Oh yea I'm fine, sorry."

"You sure?"

"Yes, totally," she reassured, squeezing his hand clasped in hers. "Did I look like I was spacing out again?"

"No, no," he said, shrugging his shoulders, "It just kind of seems you would rather be here with someone else."

She froze and her voice caught in her throat. "What?"

"I was kidding," he laughed, pulling her along with the line of customers in front of them. "Do you want the usual?"

"Sure," she croaked out. "I'll grab us a table."

It was date night, something she practically counted down to every week, because their schedules only lined up on stupid Thursdays. Eiichi always liked to explore new places and she was definitely up for trying new things, so it really was something to look forward to every week, getting a chance to go out with her boyfriend. This week, they were at some cute, quirky burger joint that, according to some food reviewer, made mind-melting milkshakes. No surprise, Usagi had decided to test the theory

After taking a hearty sip of her frosty drink ( _scale from 1 to mind-melting, it was a solid 8_ ) and throwing back a few french fries, she looked up at him while wiping at the ketchup around her smiling lips. "So, what did you want to talk about earlier?"

The nervous chuckle that came from his throat began to make her worried. "Alright."

He cleared his throat and slid his hand across the table to lace it through hers. "You know I love you."

A furious blush blossomed along her neck and face. "I do know."

"And we've been going out for a while," he went on. "Just celebrated one year last month and Usa, I couldn't be happier."

"Me neither," she said, even though her traitor of a heart thought otherwise.

He grinned. "And so I wanted to ask you Usagi Tsukino a very important question."

"Okay," she squeaked, confused and worried.

"I wanted to ask if you would…" he paused, licking his lips and squeezing her hand. "I want you to move in with me."

The blood drained from her face, she was sure of it, because her head started to feel tight and it was pounding. She swallowed hard as the milkshake taste turned to ash in her mouth and she gripped her milkshake a little tighter. "Really?"

"Yes," he smiled, looking at her as if she was the only girl he could ever look at. "Or uh, I want to move in with you? I'm not completely sure how the wording works but you get the point."

Her hands started shaking. "Right."

"I love you and seeing how we always go back and forth between apartments, I just wanted to see if you were maybe in the mindset to take the next step with me."

She hated that she had to think about it. Because he was perfect. He loved her, cooked for her, made her laugh, was so kind and patient, so open, so easy to talk to about anything. Eiichi was perfect in all the ways she had ever dreamed up and she actually had to _think_ about her answer. It should be yes without hesitation. It should be yes to the person she loved because that's what you do with the people you love, right? You would love to be with them every second of the day, wake up to them, go to sleep with them and yet everything was telling her no.

"It's okay if you don't want to," he reassured, thumb stroking her wrist. "I just wanted to see where your head's at with everything."

Why couldn't she say yes, why couldn't she just finally move on. Why was this so _fucking_ hard?

"I…" she trailed off.

"Like I said, you can say no," Eiichi repeated, concerned.

He was perfect but he didn't roll his eyes at her, never shot off snarky statements, didn't smirk obnoxiously, wasn't an adorable dork that loved to annoy her, didn't have the softest, most broken eyes she had ever seen.

"I just-" she was spiraling too fast.

How was she so stupid to think that she could move on? That it would be easy to forget _him_.

He was so perfect but he'll never be….

And now his voice radiated with panic. "Usa, what's wrong? Talk to me."

Her hand let go of his to cover her face, to cover the tears that were welling up in her eyes. She couldn't keep pretending, after years of keeping it all in and she was ready to let go because it was hopeless and wrong to continue like this when she knew there would be no one else.

And she felt Eiichi's arms wrap around her, his voice scared and alarmed, and she cried harder.

* * *

Usagi saw his eyebrows rise as he opened the door to her.

"Rei asked me to pick them up instead," she supplied before he even got to ask.

"Oh, okay," he answered, nodding his head. "Uh, come in."

She unlaced her sandals by the door as he went in the kitchen. Judging by the smell, he was cooking something delicious that made her stomach growl.

Smoothing down her yellow sundress, she padded into the spotless living room.

She rarely got chances to see his apartment nowadays. Senshi gatherings had been held here, it was where they regrouped before their final battles with Nehelenia and Pharaoh 90, and it's also where she had sealed her fate those years ago right at that door.

Nothing had really changed, same couches, same rugs, different coffee table, but same memories. He was still a dork with his alphabetized bookcases and pristine apartment with beautiful views of Tokyo.

"How are you doing?" he asked, his tone obviously monotone, as he always was with her.

"Fine. Just living, you know," she replied mindlessly, walking around the living room and watching as he resumed his chopping of carrots across the counter of his open kitchenette. "How are you?"

"Great, I was just making some dinner for myself," he explained, concentrating on cutting.

His desk was shoved in the corner of the room, books and papers organized neatly around his laptop and she spotted what was probably the stack of books she had been sent to retrieve.

"Those are the ones," he said, having seen where her sight must have gone. "Are you mailing them to Ami?"

She nodded stiffly. "Yea, part of our care package to her."

"That's nice," he answered. "How is she doing?"

She shrugged. "Adjusting."

"Oh, well, tell her I said hi."

She twisted her head around to look at him. "Don't you talk to her?"

He faltered. "I do, you're right," he lumped in the cut carrot into the pot on the stove. "I just haven't talked to her in a while since she's been busy."

"Oh," she breathed, walking over to the couch.

She could see him scrambling, trying to cook in peace, probably a little annoyed she had come over and she could understand. She had always barged her way through his life.

That awkward, tense silence they had mastered took place with the boiling of his food the only noise in the small space. His work ID tag hung on a little hook by the door and he was still wearing his light blue button up shirt with his tie loosened. She could just barely see his dress pants over the counter. He must have just come from the hospital a little ago.

"So, how's work-"

"I broke up with Eiichi," she cut in casually, because why not make it more awkward.

As always, his expression was unreadable but his eyes did flash in surprise. "Oh, I-I'm sorry."

"It's okay," she said, picking at a loose thread on one of his pillows. "We just wanted different things and it was mutual."

He nodded. "Well, you'll find someone."

She flinched at his bored tone. "I know."

' _Leave, Usagi. Take the books and leave.'_ "I'll just grab the books and get out of your way."

"Uh, okay," he agreed, not looking up from his stew.

Shaking her head over her own stupidity at what exactly she thought was going to happen with her coming over, Usagi picked up the heavy stack of books from the desk, balancing them in the crook of her arm. Her eyes swept over the neat working area when a scribbled piece of paper caught her eye.

Usagi was against snooping - hello, huge invasion of privacy - but living with Minako had taught her that sometimes it's better to know than to be in the dark. And this was Mamoru, she needed to know.

So she swiped the packet off the desk and read it, with some words going over her head and others confusing her, but it had the word "application" printed on the first page and the pages that followed were completed in black ink with his name and information filled out in his handwriting.

Flipping through the papers, she saw Mamoru had answered all the questions. Front to back, everything was filled out. She scanned the first page again, trying to figure out what it was saying.

" _Thank you for considering this program…will start this upcoming fall….please notify us if you have an up to date passport…...include references…...complete this form in black or blue ink….this program study will focus on the topics of neuroscience-_

' _A program study?'_ All this for a school program study?

It wasn't until she read the bottom of the page that her blood ran cold.

" _Location of Study: Boston, Massachusetts, United States of America"_

"What is this?" she croaked out, holding it up to him and moving closer to the kitchen window.

He glanced up, recognizing it and simply answered, "It's for a medical program."

She blinked, stunned at his reaction. "In America?"

"Yea."

"You're moving to America?" she sputtered, mind spinning. ' _No, no, this can't be happening.'_

"Well, I don't know yet," he defended, washing the knife clean and slipping it back into place on the wooden block.

"I'm thinking of sending in the application," he admitted calmly, as if he was just moving down the block and not half-way around the world.

"Thinking?" she hissed, much more harsh than she had intended. "The whole thing is filled out and done."

He furrowed his eyebrows. "I just wanted to keep my options open."

She gaped at him. He was going to keep the option of going overseas _open_.

"Oh." The shaking in her limbs started and she was crumbling so quickly, not even hiding the hurt within her voice. "You're okay with going away that far?"

Shutting the refrigerator door, he found her wavering gaze. "It'll be a good experience and I don't have much holding me here anyway."

He moved around the kitchen, cleaning up all calm and proper, while she stood on the other side, barely functioning at the thought of him leaving forever.

He was going to leave and never look back, she knew it. She would never talk to him again because why would they talk, why would he even care about her now that his job of protecting her was done.

"But why are you considering it," she spat, and didn't even cringe at how rude she sounded.

He flicked up those dark, blue eyes to her. "Is there any reason that you think I shouldn't go?"

Why was he doing this to her? Of course there were a million reasons why he shouldn't go and all of them were because she didn't want him to leave. All of them were about her because he can't do this, he can't leave.

She couldn't do it anymore. It was like she was right back where she had started on that night. Standing in front of him, watching as she lost him for the fourth time.

And everything she had built, instilled in her very being since that night, all rushed out of her, crashed down hard.

To her horror and relief, it wasn't easy to pretend anymore.

"Don't go."

He finally stopped moving and really looked at her. "What?"

She took a deep, steady breath in. "Don't go."

He stared wide and confused.

"You can't stand there and just tell me you're going to leave and expect me to just go along with it," she continued, voice raising in volume and confidence.

"Usagi-"

"No," she cut him off. "Please don't leave."

He kept staring and she kept going.

"I can give you a million reasons to not go and all of them are that I don't want you to leave," she cried , the wetness behind her eyes beginning. "You're wrong when you say you're not leaving anything because you're leaving me."

And it all started coming out so easily.

"I lied. Back when we-when we remembered. I don't agree with you. I know I should. I know it was right for you."

His mouth hung open.

"But I don't," she confessed, the first tears making their presence known down her cheeks. "I've pretended all this time that I'm okay with the fact that you don't want me."

She breathed out, heart pounding harder than ever. "I can't pretend anymore."

His face stayed in a mix of confusion and something she couldn't read because it was Mamoru and he was never open.

"Eiichi asked me to move in with him," she choked out. "And I broke up with him because I don't think I could ever move in with him. That's why I broke up with him, because I couldn't forget about you-it was because of you."

She couldn't stop.

"I walk around in the middle of the night just for a chance to see you," she rushed out. "I do it on purpose because I miss you and I know you go on these stupid patrols so I can at least _see_ you."

"And god, I can't pretend that I don't love when you make stupid jokes, or how you used to call me Odango, or pretend that I wasn't totally going to ask you to my stupid school festival in high school, or when I used to literally wait all day for you at the Crown, or-or-"

Her mind was overflowing because it was everything about Mamoru, everything about him that she loved.

Because Mamoru who always had that smirk for her, Mamoru who made her stomach flip in weird ways, Mamoru who was the biggest dork ever, Mamoru who called her Odango and only had a nickname for her and no one else, and now Mamoru who was about to leave her.

"When we remembered I thought I finally had a shot but you still didn't feel the same even after the memories and I didn't know what to do," she cried. "Because I've loved you forever."

She shook her head. "Before the memories, before Serenity and Endymion-I've loved _you_ , Mamoru Chiba, for years."

He just stood there, remained silent, disbelieving, wide-eyes and she got mad all over again.

She sniffled, tasting the salt of her tears as she looked straight into his speechless eyes. "And I'm tired of pretending that I don't love the shit out of you and have for years!"

"But now you want to leave and what the fuck am I supposed to do," she sobbed, a hand going up to run through her bangs. "And-and maybe that's it. Maybe this is finally what I need, for you to leave."

Then his face changed, something panicked.

"Maybe I'll finally move on if you're gone away," she continued, breathing heavy.

His mouth finally opened. "Usagi-"

"So maybe you should leave."

"Wait Usagi-"

"Just go, go to America!" she cried, wiping the remaining tears away and making the turn to go to the door. "They're going to love you there and I know you'll do great."

"No, Usagi what-"

She fumbled with her dumb, strappy sandals, hearing his rapid movements behind her. She opened the door with shaking hands before his own hand flew out next to her head, stopping the door from opening all the way.

New, hot tears cascaded down her face. He couldn't even let her go with some dignity, be free having finally told him all the deep, locked up things she couldn't even have said to herself before he left her. And he wanted to fucking talk about it, humliate her even further.

"Usagi," he whispered, voice raspy and…. _scared_?

She let his hand push the door closed. He sounded out of breath, as if he had been the one confessing all of his love, and it moved the little hairs on her bare neck.

His body pressed against her, long and hard and what she wouldn't give to fall back on it.

His lips moved along her ear and she shivered. She had never heard his voice sound so vulnerable. "What did you say?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The End.
> 
> Antigone2 said she liked angsty/open endings so I wanted to leave it like that. You guys can imagine whatever your little heart desires on what happens next. Thank you to everyone again for reading and while you're reading fanfic, check out all the other exchange fics or artwork submitted on Tumblr! So much great fandom content! (go to UglyGreenJacket's tumblr and search up the tag usamamospringexchange2k20 on her blog)
> 
> Let me know what you guys thought! See you on the next story!


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